I imagine now whilst reading this, it feels like I am near the end of this nightmare after my previous realisation or so it thought … No, and I am truly embarrassed of this. Reeled back in again, this time he became the victim, he needed help, he had depression and convinced me when he said, “I don’t think I love this baby like I should or even at all”.

I accepted this comment but still clinging to change him.

During this time, he lived back with his parents, but still controlled me to the point of him writing a pledge, yes, a pledge for me to sign stating what he could do and how I had to change. I did not sign this but I did keep it in a safe place!

I confided in my support worker and still she did not judge me or my situation. He had told me I could not speak to social care again.

My support worker told me I should always engage with social care because I had done nothing wrong. I had made this clear to him.

The pressure from social care wouldn’t allow this. I had explained to The Narcissist and his family that any contact needed to be supervised by the grandparents who were enabling him to minimise the previous incident and enabling me to do the same, regardless of my children and their thoughts and fears or my self-worth, I felt brainwashed.

Two weeks had past, and I was making excuses for his disgraceful behaviour; he has post-natal depression, he can’t bond, he has a drink problem.

I convinced my best friend of this too, I was broken and felt I was worth nothing.

I arranged couples counselling because he said I needed to. I paid for this and was left with nothing to live on – desperate is what I had become.

The counsellor could see what was happening. VICTIM BLAMING this was a true narcissist approach. I arranged another appointment for a week later.

I received a call from him the weekend before this asking me where I was as he wanted to ensure I was taking care of my daughter and at home doing this. Of course, I was at home, I had lost myself and all my respect. When I looked in the mirror, I did not know who I was. Constant calls and texts checking I was home. I heard nothing from him for three days following this.

I collected him for the second counselling appointment that I had booked. He raised his voice immediately after getting into my car and said “I can’t pay for this; I have no money. IT’S A F*****G WASTE!”. “OK”, I said, “I will pay as it’s important”.

“You are a total f****d up b***h. If you don’t let me move back in, I will find someone else” he said. I tried to stay calm but I couldn’t take anymore, so I turned my car around. I couldn’t breathe, the tears were streaming as I drove him back to his parent’s house, but before I turned the corner he got out of my car as it was still moving and called me pathetic. He then stood shouting that I was trying to run him over. I was a mess! I drove straight to my counsellor and sat on the floor in the doorway; I don’t remember any of the conversation, I only remember pulling at my own hair and sobbing.

I do remember never ever wanting to hear his voice again, this was my realisation.

After a week or so, the grandparents had agreed to supervise contact although the grandfather had made threats to my family demanding supervision be dropped.

Minimalisation and control became clearer as they returned my baby home and told me they were sorry, explaining that they had left my baby with their drunken son, and he hadn’t fed her and it won’t happen again.

Contact had to stop for the safety of my baby and I had to stay strong.

I received a call from his mother warning me he will take me to court for contact. My heart sank, I was too weak. I later received a call from him prior to me changing my number the same day, “You can’t even afford to eat, never mind fight me in court” he said.

WELL, HOW WRONG WAS HE THIS IS WHERE MY STRENGTH CAME

My support worker said I needed to call social care. Following this, I experienced hundreds of texts, threats, calls, and visits. The police made arrests until it ended up in criminal court, which resulted in a harassment charge, and I had a marker attached to my address for safety. I had malicious allegations made to social care made by him reporting that I was being paid for sex, I just did not know when this would end.

The criminal court procedure was tough, he pleaded guilty before I had to give my evidence, and I was so petrified, I could not even step in the court room. No one can explain the fear this holds for a survivor.

Next came the family court application, and this was never going to be simple when dealing with a narcissist that can manipulate anyone in authority. It was going to be hell on earth, literally it was going to strip me of my rights, it was going to ensure I was on very high medication, it was going to floor me, it was going to rule me, it would give me panic attacks, sleepless nights, nightmares, and flashbacks.  It was going to financially drain me and refrain me from being the mummy I wished to be.

However, every element of this was worth it; keeping my head above water and taking each day, hour by hour, being honest and asking for help ensuring I engaged with multi agencies with no contact whatsoever.

I was going to drag myself through this because I had no choice – remember sink or swim, I was now going to swim!

Please remember however hard today feels, keep going and do not give up.