You’re halfway through your day, juggling a mental list of things to do, when someone else’s “urgent” issue drops into your lap.

You sigh, roll up your sleeves, and fix it. Again.

No one asked — but you stepped in anyway. You always do.

Sound familiar?

If so, you might be overfunctioning — taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, problems or comfort at the expense of your own.

We know how easy it is for women (especially those who’ve experienced trauma or domestic abuse) to fall into this pattern. It often comes from a place of care, but over time, it leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a complete lack of space for your own needs.

Here’s how to know if you’re overfunctioning — and what boundaries can help break the cycle.

What Is Overfunctioning?

Overfunctioning is when you do too much — emotionally, practically, or mentally — to manage or rescue others.

It sounds like:

• “I’ll just sort it myself — it’s easier.”

• “They’re struggling, so I’ll just take over.”

• “If I don’t fix this, no one will.”

You might find yourself:

• Solving problems that weren’t yours

• Absorbing other people’s emotional discomfort

• Feeling guilty for saying no

• Prioritising other people’s expectations over your own needs

Overfunctioning often feels helpful — but it chips away at your energy, identity, and wellbeing.

8 Boundaries That Help You Step Back

If you’re nodding along, here are some boundary-setting shifts you can start making — gently, gradually, and on your terms.

1. Don’t jump in. Wait to be asked.

It’s okay not to fix every problem that pops up around you. Wait to be asked — and when you are, offer support, not control.

Try saying:

“I’m here if you want to talk through it — but I trust you’ll decide what works for you.”

2. Your needs matter too.

Someone else’s urgency doesn’t automatically outrank your priorities. Pause and check in with yourself:

Do I want to help? Do I have capacity?
Saying yes to yourself isn’t saying no to them — it’s just balance.

3. Let them feel their feelings.

It’s not your job to absorb everyone else’s discomfort. You can be supportive without being a sponge.

Let them feel what they feel — and remind yourself:

“Their emotions are valid, but they’re not mine to carry.”

4. Stay out of other people’s conflicts.

You don’t have to mediate every tense conversation just because it makes you uncomfortable. If a situation is too much, it’s okay to step away.

Your peace matters too.

5. Let them be upset — without it being your fault.

If someone reacts to your boundary, that’s okay. You can validate their feelings without changing yours.

Try saying:

“I understand this is difficult for you — and I still need to stick to what feels right for me.”

6. You’re allowed to want different things.

You’re not here to live up to other people’s expectations. You’re allowed to disagree, say no, or simply want something else.

You don’t need permission to be yourself.

7. Don’t pour your energy into dysfunction.

You don’t need to people-please the loudest, most demanding person in the room. Especially if it costs you joy, peace, or connection with those who do value you.

8. Don’t spiral over whether someone’s mad at you.

If someone is upset and hasn’t said anything, it’s not your job to guess or fix it. They’re adults. They can speak up.

Keep this reminder handy:

“If I don’t know, I won’t assume. If it matters, they’ll tell me.”

Why This Matters

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish — it’s self-protection.

It helps you stay present, sane, and emotionally healthy so you can show up in ways that are genuine, not guilt-driven.

And if you’ve survived trauma or abusive dynamics, learning to say “this isn’t mine to carry” can be one of the most powerful things you ever do.

You don’t need to burn yourself out just to keep the peace.

You don’t have to prove your worth by fixing everything.

You don’t need to overfunction to be loved.

Your wellbeing matters — and boundaries protect it.

Need support?

You’re not alone. If you or someone you know needs help or just someone to talk to:

Call: 01623 683 250
Email: [email protected]